Weird calls to the farm

Skill hunter or serial killer?

I get several calls a week from people asking about the "farm" because our website lists my cell phone number. Most of the time, people are calling for meat goats. Sometimes, they want eggs, or will call to get on the list for spring goat babies when they come.

There's not really much actual business we can do for most people. Under the Colorado Cottage Food Law, we can sell our eggs, and we do that. Residents of the surrounding suburbs will look for a place to buy local eggs online and call. But, egg clients get a dozen for $5, and between the cost of grain, new cartons, and time, it's a barely break-even endeavor.

Because of regulations and liability, I don't sell my milk or cheese. The number of goats it would require to have the infrastructure and insurance to enter the dairy market would be so high it would make me not like goats anymore.

I like to be able to give each animal a bit of personal attention daily. If I had 70 or more goats, they would turn from my cheesemaking pets into widgets on a line.

There's nothing wrong, by the way, with having the kind of numbers of animals to make it work financially. Real farmers, those who feed lots of other people, have to have hundreds or even thousands of animals to make it work. Good for those who can and do do that hard work every day. Our entire society is built on the platform of them feeding the rest of us.

But, for me, I just milk the goats for my lattes and make cheese for my friends. I’m a farm dabbler.

I got a call this week from a local veterinary office. Some vet techs need to learn to milk in order to get some of their certifications. They're coming over this weekend.

Another call earlier this week was from a new egg client who just wanted to bring her granddaughter to pick up eggs and see the goats. I'll see them tomorrow.

People call and ask to use our goats for photo shoots, to come and just sit in the pasture, and even for any of my extra rainbow-colored eggs for making cascarones.

I do whatever I can to accommodate callers. I love to have guests, help students to learn, and give whatever we can.

By the way, the lady who makes cascarones (traditional Mexican eggs filled with glitter to break over someone's head for good luck) brought us back some of her completed projects after she made them. Teaching two little boys how to handle glitter-filled assault eggs was . . . suboptimal. Their scalps were sparkling for weeks. Total. Nightmare.

Anyway, we try to help whenever we can when our neighbors call with farm-based requests. I got an interesting call this week, though, and I haven't decided yet what to do.

A guy called and started off the conversation: "What kind of services do you offer?"

Me: "Services? I mean, I sell eggs and baby goats?"

Him: "Do you sell chickens?"

Me: "Sure, layers or for meat?"

Him: "Meat."

Me: "Well, I just actually finished a hatch, and about half of them should be boys so I will have some roosters growing out over the next month or two."

Him: "So, do you slaughter them?"

Me: "No, we process chickens for ourselves, but I only sell live chickens." (Again, with the legal ramifications and liability of selling processed food.)

Him: "Ok, but what if I've never killed a chicken before? Can I buy a chicken from you and then you can show me how?"

So, here is my question: is this guy just wanting to learn a new skill, or is he a weirdo serial killer who wants to start with chickens? There's no way to know on the phone.

I have been getting more calls lately from people who suddenly realize they have no actual skills or ability to feed themselves. It only takes a few minutes of watching the news to wonder if we're actually in the end times.

Inflation, grocery prices, unstable markets - people feel unmoored.

So, what do you do if you've never killed a chicken but realize you cannot feed yourself if needed in a real crisis? Google the closest urban farm and ask the woman on the line if she'll teach you to kill one, I guess.

I got a call a few months back from a guy who was clearly drunk and, while mulling over the apocalypse, decided that goats were the perfect animal to have for crisis insulation (they turn weeds into milk AND meat, heck yes!) So, he and I chatted about goat ownership for most of an hour before I realized that he lived in an apartment. You can’t keep goats in an apartment.

If you didn't grow up in a farming or hunting family, and don't belong to a group of friends who have practical skills, how do you get them? Google and call.

Luckily for our chickens, they still have a few months to grow out before any will be for sale - for meat or eggs. So, I told the guy who wanted a chicken to call back in a month or two . . . he said he would . . . we'll see what happens.

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